


Otherworldly Incident Colloquium

by UnmovingGreatLibrary



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 08:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18913063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnmovingGreatLibrary/pseuds/UnmovingGreatLibrary
Summary: After the relative success of the Symposium of Post-Mysticism, Akyuu hosts a second conference: This time, to get the real story behind a few key incidents that have shaped modern Gensokyo.





	1. Part One

## Opening Remarks

**Akyuu:** Welcome, everyone. Thank you for joining me today. If you'd like to— **Reimu:** _(gesturing to Yukari)_ Wait, hold on. What's _she_ doing here? **Yukari:** My, Reimu, is that any way to greet an old friend? **Akyuu:** Er, if you'd both like to wait one moment— **Reimu:** Who exactly is my 'old friend' here? **Marisa:** Hey, that's rude. I've been your friend since way back. **Reimu:** I wasn't talking about you! **Akyuu:** Everybody _please_! We have a lot of topics to cover today. Please at least let me finish the introduction before you interrupt. **Yukari:** Yes, Reimu, you're being very rude to our hostess. **Akyuu:** I did mean you too, Yukari. **Marisa:** If you need something quieter to do, wanna pass that sake down this way, Yukari? **Akyuu:** _(clears throat pointedly)_ **ALL:** _(Mumbled apologies, guilty looks. Conversation gradually dies down.)_ **Akyuu:** _Thank_ you. Now, as I was saying... thank you for joining me here today, everyone. As most of you know, I can't always do much research outside of the village, and news of incidents can be slow to spread. Today's discussion is meant to explore a group of incidents that I feel are especially important to modern Gensokyo, to help clarify them for the historic record. Those of you who I invited were all involved with most of these incidents, so I've invited you here to help find the truth of these matters. **Yukari:** And she asked _me_ to attend to be the moderator. **Reisen:** _(quietly)_ As an expert on causing incidents? **Marisa:** It's gotta be something like that, right? **Yukari:** Oh, what was that? I'm afraid I couldn't quite hear either of you. **Akyuu:** Miss Yakumo, would you like to start us off rather than arguing with the participants? **Yukari:** Oh, of course, This is meant to be an open discussion, so conversation will be unstructured. Also, feel free to enjoy the refreshments that miss Hieda has been so kind as to provide for us. **Reisen:** I _would_ like to have some sake, but it kind of seems like you've been keeping that bottle to yourself. **Yukari:** _(hurriedly swallowing a mouthful of sake)_ I have no idea what you're talking about. **Sanae:** The tea is nice, though! Thanks for the refreshments. **Marisa:** Yeah, Akyuu's always got the good stuff. **Yukari:** This might be a little _too_ unstructured, in hindsight. Why don't we start with introductions? I'm sure that you all already know _me_ , but to reiterate for the written record: I am Yukari Yakumo, one of the youkai sages of Gensokyo. And yes, I've been involved in an incident or two myself. Sanae, you're up. **Sanae:** … o-oh, it's my turn next?! Ah, um, I was always really bad at doing introduction things in school... can you come back to me? **Yukari:** Denied! Please introduce yourself. **Sanae:** Ah! That isn't fair... Um, okay, okay. My name is Sanae Kochiya. I'm the head shrine maiden of the Moriya Shrine. I'm originally from the outside world, um, my favorite color is red, my favorite animals are frogs, and my hobbies include anime, video games, and science! **Reisen:** … I think that might be a bit more detail than anybody needed to know. **Yukari:** We'll keep moving anyway. Marisa? **Marisa:** Marisa Kirisame, proprietor n' owner of the Kirisame Magic Shop and Gensokyo's number two incident resolver! And I moderated the last one of these thingies. So far this side of things is more fun, 'cuz I've got more time to eat the snacks. **Yukari:** I'll keep that in mind. Reimu? **Reimu:** I'm the Hakurei shrine maiden. What else do you even need to know? **Sanae:** Your favorite pizza topping! **Reimu:** … what kind of question is that? **Sanae:** Um, we used it a lot for introductions in school. I thought it might be fun! **Marisa:** Uh, I'm not even sure what that means... **Reimu:** … yeah, I think I'm done. **Sanae:** _(quietly)_ Mine's pineapple. **Yukari:** Let the record state that Reimu had the weakest introduction. **Akyuu:** I'm sure that I can handle the record-keeping myself, thank you. **Yukari:** Reisen? **Reisen:** Er. My name is Reisen Udongein Inaba. That's basically three first names, but it seems to have stuck. I'm a former inhabitant of the moon who has now become a resident of the earth, and I'm studying pharmacology under my teacher, Eirin Yagokoro. **Yukari:** Well done. I'm proud to see that one of the participants is capable of giving a normal introduction. Five hundred points for Reisen. **Marisa:** Wait, there's points?! **Yukari:** Fufu. Perhaps~. **Marisa:** Now I've gotta get serious. You're goin' down, Reisen!

## The Spring Snow Incident

**Yukari:** We'll all be rooting for you, I'm sure. Now then, our first topic of discussion is the Spring Snow Incident. Who would like to start us off? **Sanae:** There was an incident like that? Isn't snow in spring kind of normal? **Marisa:** It was, like, a lot of snow. **Sanae:** Ohh. When that kind of thing happens, it's because of global warming, right? **Reimu:** … why would it snow more if it's warmer? Anyway, it was before your time. Besides, Yukari is the one who caused the whole thing. Shouldn't she have to describe it? **Yukari:** Reimu, that's very irresponsible of you. The purpose of this conversation is to find the truth behind these incidents. We won't get anywhere if you go around flinging accusations like that. **Marisa:** Uh, how about I start us off, since nobody else wants to? **Yukari:** Miss Kirisame has the floor. **Marisa:** So, it got to May, and it was still cold n' snowy outside, and then we had a whole snowstorm. That was the incident. **Reisen:** It really doesn't sound like much. **Reimu:** There were youkai involved. What are we supposed to say about it, though? We stopped the incident and punished the culprit. As long as it's taken care of, everything is fine, right? **Akyuu:** Please remember that this is for the historical record. Any details you can provide would be helpful. How did you notice the incident? How did you identify the responsible party? Things like that. **Marisa:** I mean, it's kinda hard not to notice weather like that, right? Except, I saw some cherry blossoms outside, and I got curious... **Reisen:** You went out and started beating up youkai because you 'got curious'? **Marisa:** I mean, yeah. Isn't that the normal response? **Sanae:** Yeah! **Reisen:** No! Not at all! **Yukari:** How about you, Reimu? How did you get started? **Reimu:** ... there was this really annoying draft in the shrine, so I decided to follow it back to the source to plug it up, and... **Sanae:** Um. You followed a draft all the way to the end of the incident? **Reimu:** Something like that, I guess. **Marisa:** That's Hakurei intuition for ya. I swear I'd be unstoppable if I had that stuff. Anyway, I didn't go out and just start 'beating up youkai.' It's more like all the winter youkai were out showin' off because they got an extra month or two of snow. **Yukari:** 'Winter youkai' such as? **Marisa:** Uh, you know. Cirno. That yuki-onna. Uhhh. Chen. **Yukari:** I hope you do know that Chen isn't a winter youkai. **Reimu:** She was definitely involved, though. She attacked me. **Marisa:** Yeah, seriously. Those claws of hers are scary. **Yukari:** I'm afraid I can't claim any responsibility for Chen's behavior. Please direct any complaints to Ran. **Marisa:** Who else... Cirno, Chen... oh, yeah, Alice too. I almost forgot on account of me n' her used to fight so much that it just kinda blended in with all the other times. **Sanae:** Wait, you fought with Alice...? She seems really nice, though! **Marisa:** Yeah, she's calmed down a bit now, but she used to be, uh. **Reimu:** Really annoying. **Marisa:** She'd pick a fight with you just to prove she could beat you up even if she was holdin' back. … I mean, she's still like that, she's just learned to hide it a bit more. **Reimu:** Anyway, we fought a lot of annoying youkai like that, and then that ensemble band, and then we went past that big seal into the Netherworld. **Marisa:** It was already kinda cracked open. Not our fault. **Reimu:** Because _somebody_ lowered the barrier between Gensokyo and the Netherworld, right? **Reisen:** Wait, is _that_ why you can just walk right into the Netherworld? Did anybody ever... fix the barrier? **Marisa:** Pretty sure somebody was supposed to, but... **Reimu and Marisa:** _(intent looks toward Yukari)_ **Yukari:** _(completely innocent smile)_ Would you like to describe what you did once you arrived in the Netherworld? **Marisa:** Climbed stairs until I got so tired my butt fell off. **Reimu:** There really are a lot of stairs. That's where we all found each other, wasn't it? **Marisa:** Oh, yeah. Turned out me and Reimu and Sakuya were all investigatin' at the same time. We figured we might as well work together. **Reimu:** I think you mean Sakuya and I did. _You_ said 'I'll race you' and took off by yourself. **Marisa:** Had to get out front so you guys didn't get all the fun. **Sanae:** Whoa! That's pretty cool! So Marisa solved the incident? **Marisa:** Uh, nope. Actually, Youmu kicked my butt. **Reimu:** Swords make for pretty boring spell cards, but I guess I have to admit that they're effective... **Marisa:** She's super scary when she's serious about it, too. All 'my Roukanken will slice you and you will join the dead' and 'your blood will feed the cherry trees' and stuff. I kinda thought I was a goner for a few seconds there. **Reisen:** That girl does seem to take her job really seriously. **Reimu:** She was a lot easier to beat when she was already tired from fighting Marisa, though, so it worked out. After we beat her, she— **Sanae:** Confessed to the whole thing? **Reimu:** —came back again and made us beat her up a second time. **Sanae:** O-oh. **Reimu:** I guess it stuck that time, though? She explained what was going on after that. **Akyuu:** And what _was_ going on? **Reimu:** … um... **Marisa:** Uh... **Reimu:** There's that tree in the Netherworld... and Yuyuko wanted to see it blossom... so she arranged a big party and sent Youmu out to steal all the spring that she could find. **Reisen:** How do you 'steal spring'? **Marisa:** You grab it, obviously. **Reisen:** No, I'm actually curious. How do you do it? **Marisa:** I'm serious! I asked her that too. That's all she'd say. She just kinda looked at me like it was a dumb question and kept saying 'you just grab it.' **Yukari:** It makes perfect sense to me. **Reimu:** Anyway, the important thing is that Yuyuko was responsible, so Sakuya and I fought her and won. That's everything, right? **Akyuu:** I'd appreciate some more detail if you can. **Marisa:** Well, that tree of hers was all creepy n' glowing. I think it was fighting too, wasn't it? **Sanae:** I thought you were defeated by that point, though... **Marisa:** Well, I mean, yeah, Youmu beat me, but she didn't knock me out or anything. I found a good spot to watch the fight. Hard to turn down a view like that, right? **Reimu:** You could have helped, you know. **Marisa:** Hey, she gave me a really nasty cut with one of those swords. Plus, it looked like you guys had it under control. **Reisen:** That sounds reasonable. **Marisa:** Also I was able to talk Youmu into bringin' me some snacks, so y'know. **Reimu:** … you had a snack break while I was fighting?! **Marisa:** Hey, cut me some slack! Youmu makes really good snacks. **Sanae:** Oh! Oh! She's the one who always brings those mochi that look like little bunnies to the flower viewing parties, right? **Marisa:** Exactly. **Sanae:** Those are really good! **Reisen:** I think it's a little creepy, personally... **Reimu:** _Anyway_ , I guess Marisa is right? The tree kind of... possessed Yuyuko at the end or something. **Yukari:** 'Or something'? A shrine maiden should really know a possession when she sees one, shouldn't she? **Reimu:** It was hard to tell past the _sky full of lasers_. **Sanae:** So, um, if that's the whole incident... I don't really get why this one is so important. It sounds like everything turned out okay, right? **Akyuu:** Hmm, well... the Spring Snow Incident was the beginning of regular contact between Gensokyo and the Netherworld. It might not seem dangerous, but most of you have casually visited the Netherworld, haven't you? It marked a permanent change in Gensokyo's relations with other realms of existence. Most of these incidents that we'll cover today are like that. **Marisa:** Huh, I see. Well, if we're all done with this one, then I'd rate it a seven outta ten. Cool danmaku and the snacks were nice, but fighting in the cold sucks. **Sanae:** Eh, we're rating them?! Um, in that case, an eight out of ten? **Reisen:** I'll, er, abstain. **Reimu:** Five out of ten. Being attacked by random youkai when you're trying to investigate is a real pain. **Akyuu:** Nobody said that we're rating them...

## Incident involving Former Hell and Yatagarasu

**Yukari:** Now then, let's see. The next incident on the list is the one related to the geyser that created the hot spring. Who would like to begin? **Reimu:** A representative from the shrine who caused the whole thing is right here. Why don't you ask her? **ALL:** _(look to Sanae)_ **Sanae:** Eh?! What did I do?! **Marisa:** I mean, you do kinda have to admit that those goddesses of yours started this one. **Reimu:** You even fought me toward the end there. This one is entirely your fault. **Sanae:** We weren't trying to hurt anybody! She wasn't supposed to start rampaging and stuff! **Reisen:** Maybe if you... start at the beginning. **Sanae:** Oh, right. Okay, so, me and Lady Kanako had met with the kappa some and talked about industry, but it turns out their factories were super old-fashioned. Like, they didn't even have Industrial Revolution stuff yet! So then we were trying to figure out how to help them out, but you can't make lots of machinery without power, and it's hard to make _power plants_ without— **Marisa:** Uh, I hope this is makin' sense to somebody else. **Sanae:** —lots of materials and really advanced machines, so it's kind of a big loop, right? But then! She looked into it more, and Yatagarasu was underground, and it had fusion powers! And fusion is a source of power so advanced that not even the outside world has figured it out yet, so it was really exciting! Super-exciting! So she got that crow to eat part of Yatagarasu to put his powers into an easier vessel to control. **Marisa:** … hearing it like that, it kinda doesn't seem fair that _Reimu_ is the one Kasen always criticizes for makin' weird schemes to get more faith. **Reimu:** It really doesn't. What's so important about power, anyway? **Marisa:** That's what Sumi's phone runs on, isn't it? **Reimu:** That little thing that shows pictures? Couldn't you just get the tengu to print them out for you instead? **Marisa:** All I know is she's always goin' 'uuuugh, my phone's low on power' every time she visits for more than a few hours. Gotta be the same thing, right? **Sanae:** It's the same thing, yep. And power is super-important! It lets you have running water, and lights at nighttime, and refrigeration. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that it's the main benefit that the outside world has over Gensokyo. **Reisen:** I'm confused. What does that have to do with a hot spring? **Reimu:** That's a good question. Um. It's been a few years. What was it... **Marisa:** Uh. **Reimu:** Hmm... **Marisa:** Oh, wait, I think I remember. So after Okuu sucked up that sun god, she started getting all mad, and then _that_ made everything so hot that there was a geyser, and— **Reimu:** I thought the cat made the geyser? **Marisa:** No, no, I've got it. The bird got mad, and geysers popped up, and the cat... wanted to protect the bird... so she chased ghosts out through a geyser... so they'd piss us off... and we'd come beat up the bird. **Reisen:** How is beating the bird up _protecting_ her? **Reimu:** Tough love. **Reisen:** This explanation doesn't make any sense. **Reimu:** Does it really matter? Either way, a bunch of underground youkai caused some trouble, so we went down there to investigate. **Yukari:** After I asked you to, that is. **Reimu:** I was going to handle it either way, you know. It isn't like I can just ignore a bunch of ghosts hanging out near the shrine. I'd never get another visitor again. **Marisa:** Besides, Yukari, the way I hear it, Patchy's the one who asked _you_ to investigate it. … honestly so many youkai were interested in this one that it felt like they were playin' tug of war over me. First Patchy was trying to get me to go down there, then Nitori was all 'heyyyy, Marisa, my super-good bestest friend, do you wanna go exploring today?' and then _Alice_... **Reimu:** They were bothering me too. They all wanted it fixed but none of them would go underground themselves, so Marisa and I did the real work while they stayed behind and gave us advice. Or at least that's what they said they were doing. Mostly I think they just raided my pantry. **Yukari:** No comment. **Marisa:** Once we got down there though, it was pretty obvious Nitori knew what was goin' on. **Sanae:** Um, well... the kappa did know about Lady Kanako's plans... **Marisa:** Maybe next time you guys could just let everyone in on the secret, so we don't have to fight through a cave full of weirdos? **Reimu:** That's the summary, though. We flew down a really deep hole, then fought some weirdos. **Akyuu:** Please provide a bit more detail than 'some weirdos.' **Marisa:** Uh, lessee... there was a tsuchigumo... that creepy bridge guard they've got down there... **Reimu:** An oni. **Marisa:** Oh, yeah! The oni have got a whole city down there. Plus, the place is mostly abandoned. It's _great_ for parties. Drink all night and trash a place, then move to another house the next night. No cleanin' required. **Reisen:** That sounds like a really short-sighted way to live. **Marisa:** Yeah, it's great. Oh, speakin' of which, can we get some more sake in here? **Reimu:** And snacks? **Akyuu:** … you do know that those were supposed to last the entire time, right? **Marisa:** All this talkin' is thirsty work. **Akyuu:** I'll... have a servant check the pantry. For now, please continue. **Marisa:** Uhhh, and after the former capital was the Palace of Earth Spirits, I think? **Reimu:** Is that really what those satoris' house is named? **Marisa:** I mean, it basically is a palace. It's got those big stained glass windows and everything. I guess I'd want a really big house if I never went outside, too. **Reisen:** Wait. Did you just break into somebody's house for your investigation? **Marisa:** Hey, it was legit! Yuugi told me I should check it out! **Reisen:** I'm not sure 'an oni told me to' is a very good justification... **Reimu:** She didn't seem to mind, though. Besides, she made it a big enough pain for us that we should be the ones complaining. **Marisa:** Fighting somebody who can read your mind is kinda tough, yeah. She kept cribbing spell cards off people I'd fought before, too. I mean, not _that_ hard, though. Even if she's a youkai, she's still a book nerd who barely leaves the house. She's only got so much stamina. **Reimu:** And then it was... oh. Er. Was the blazing hell next? **Marisa:** Yep. See, Reimu doesn't remember much, on account of she passed out. Must be pretty tough, tryin' to keep up with me. **Reimu:** I 'passed out' because we were in a cave full of fire. It was really hot in there. **Marisa:** Same thing. Point is, Reimu went back and rested up in the Palace and I did the rest of the fighting. You can praise me if ya want. **Sanae:** Good job! **Reimu:** Don't encourage her! **Sanae:** Um, wait. If it was that bad, why didn't it affect you too? A cave full of fire sounds kind of extreme. **Marisa:** Just who do you think you're talkin' to? I'm a heat magician, y'know. **Sanae:** Oh! That's pretty cool! **Marisa:** Also the mini-hakkero's got an AC, so I ran that under my skirt for a few minutes. **Sanae:** That's... a lot less cool... **Marisa:** Anyway, Rin tried to beat me up like four times. I kinda still have a grudge over it, 'cuz it got pretty annoying. Plus, I was already in a room full of fire. Throwing more fire at me just feels unnecessary, you know? Anyway, the real show was me versus Okuu! She was like, 'mwahaha, I'm gonna turn the Earth to ash' and I was like 'I can't let you do that, cuz I'm here to avenge my friend Reimu,' and— **Reimu:** I wasn't dead! **Marisa:** Hey, you should be flattered. I wouldn't avenge just anyone, you know. Besides, that was just an example. I think Satori's pets were pretty sheltered, so mostly I just spent like six minutes explainin' the spell card rules to her. **Reimu:** After all of that, she just stood there and let you explain the rules to her? **Marisa:** Oh, nope. Mostly she shot at me a _lot_ , and I shouted the rules at her when I got a chance. Only seemed sporting for her to know how the game works before I kicked her butt. **Sanae:** W-whoa. We're back to cool again! **Yukari:** Yes, that's fifty points to Marisa for having grace under pressure. **Marisa:** Yesssss. **Yukari:** And a fifty point demerit to Marisa for mentioning the air conditioner thing. Too much information. **Marisa:** Dammit. Also, Okuu was throwing suns at me. Like, _actual_ suns. I had a tan by time I got back to the surface. Is, uh, is that allowed in the spell card rules? I know people like to throw out trains and stuff, but... **Reimu:** _(sigh)_ When we made the spell card system I really didn't think I'd need to say that you can't throw moons or suns at people, but... **Marisa:** Or anchors, or umbrellas... **Sanae:** Potatoes and dead leaves too, right? And weird bug scales? **Reisen:** I'm pretty sure that kappa has a spell card where she throws dried shirikodama at people. **Reimu:** Dried...? **Sanae:** Wait, like those things in...? The butt things?! **Marisa:** That... sounds like something Nitori would do, yeah. Somebody should really have a talk with that girl. **Reimu:** Anyway, that was basically the incident, right? After that, Satori got her pets in line and things calmed down. Nothing very interesting happened. **Sanae:** You came to the shrine and beat me up! **Reimu:** … it wasn't a very interesting fight. **Sanae:** That stings a little... **Marisa:** I'm givin' this one a nine-point-five outta ten, because Okuu's got some cool spell cards, and I got to show up Reimu. **Reisen:** I still don't think we're supposed to rate them. **Sanae:** Six points! … it was really hard to get the fusion project back on track after all of this... **Reimu:** Then maybe your goddesses should have cleaned up their own mess. **Yukari:** Hmm, I do have to agree with Reimu in this case. We had a non-interference treaty with the underground youkai, so this could have ended very poorly. Try to be more careful in the future, okay? **Sanae:** _(deep bow)_ Please accept my, um, deepest apologies for our inconsiderate actions. **Marisa:** Whoa. That was pretty convincin'. **Reisen:** Some people actually do make sincere apologies, you know...


	2. Part Two

## Urban Legend Incident

**Yukari:** Next up, however, is the Urban Legend Incident. **Reimu:** A bunch of weird urban legends started appearing around Gensokyo, and then we found the girl responsible and scared her into behaving. That's really it. **Reisen:** It sounds pretty straightforward when you put it like that. Did you forget that the moon was involved, though? **Reimu:** _(shrug)_ The moon was a footnote until later, right? None of us knew anything about it at the time. **Reisen:** Pretty typical for a human to dismiss something that doesn't immediately make sense. Anyway, you still left out the occult balls. Those at least mattered, right? **Marisa:** Oh, yeah! Those started showin' up and everyone thought something cool would happen if they got 'em all. They had a bunch of weird effects, and they all came from real powerful spots in the outside world like, uh... Yomi, and, uh. **Sanae:** Oh! Oh! As the resident expert on the outside world, this is my time to shine! **Marisa:** … didja even see any of the occult balls? **Sanae:** Well, no, but if they're all tied to powerful stuff in the outside world, they should be easy to guess, right? Like, I bet there was one for, um... the pyramids! **Reimu:** I think that _was_ one of them, actually. She's pretty good at this. **Sanae:** Hehe. You shouldn't doubt me in my area of expertise. **Reisen:** So what were the rest? **Sanae:** Stonehenge...? **Marisa:** That's two for two. **Sanae:** Um, what else... The pyramids, Stonehenge, the Hanging Gardens... the Russian Woodpecker... Epcot... **Reimu:** Some of these sound a little weird. **Sanae:** … Mount Fuji... and, um...? **Marisa:** Jupiter. **Reisen:** That one's an entire _planet_. **Marisa:** That's what'd make it a really cool power spot. **Sanae:** So how'd I do? **Reisen:** Not good. **Sanae:** Aww. **Marisa:** Anyway, point is, the occult balls showed up and people started fighting over 'em. As soon as I got all of 'em, I found the girl responsible, but we kept fighting for like a week anyway. **Akyuu:** Could you describe a little about the urban legends? Both the ones that people were using, and the others that you encountered. **Marisa:** There was that dog with a human face. That one was just creepy. **Sanae:** Aw, I thought he was cute! **Reisen:** I was able to summon kune-kune, myself. **Marisa:** Those wiggly white things? **Reisen:** Right, those. **Marisa:** Huh, I thought those were, like... salamanders. **Reisen:** Why would salamanders be an urban legend? **Marisa:** That's what I was wondering! **Reimu:** Most of them were pretty boring low-grade youkai like that, though. Not really anything to be concerned about. **Marisa:** What about that thing the head monk had? **Reimu:** Oh, er. **Reisen:** It was some kind of outside world machine, right? **Sanae:** Huh? What kind of machine? **Reimu:** It was kind of like a bicycle...? It was fast enough that it was a real pain to dodge, whatever it was. **Marisa:** Except it was all 'VROOM VROOM.' **Sanae:** Oh! A motorcycle. **Marisa:** Nah, it was her urban legend. Turbo-somethin'. **Reimu:** Turbo Granny! Right. **Sanae:** … the motorcycle's name was Turbo Granny? **Reisen:** That sounds right, actually. Is that kind of thing normal in the outside world? **Sanae:** Not really! Unless things have gotten a lot weirder since I came to Gensokyo. I guess I can't rule it out. **Reisen:** Humans really are something. **Reimu:** The urban legends were just a distraction, anyway. The real incident was Sumireko trying to get through the barrier and enter Gensokyo. **Marisa:** Since she pulled it off, is it really 'trying'? **Reimu:** Speaking of which... where were _you_ , Yukari?! She almost brought the whole barrier down toward the end! **Yukari:** Hm? I was doing everything appropriate to keep the situation under control, of course. **Reimu:** You didn't do anything! **Yukari:** Oh, but of course I did. I graciously kept my distance and allowed the Hakurei shrine maiden to do her job. **Reimu:** That isn't _doing_ anything. **Yukari:** But it isn't _not_ doing anything. … I'll have you know that I had a very nice dinner with Yuyuko. **Reisen:** That does sound a lot nicer than running around all night fighting monsters... **Reimu:** Whose side are you on here?! **Marisa:** _Anyway_ , that was basically the incident though. Lots of people fighting each other for those balls, n' then we figured out Sumi was behind it, so we kinda ganged up on her for a bit. She's behavin' herself now. **Sanae:** And providing super-valuable services. **Reisen:** Such as...? **Sanae:** She traded me copies of all the Pokemon games that came out since we moved to Gensokyo! **Marisa:** Bein' able to trade for outside world stuff is pretty handy, yeah. Kourin was over the moon that first week or two. **Reimu:** He still complains whenever somebody buys something, though. Even though he has an unlimited supply now. **Sanae:** Wait, wait! I just realized! Yukari has an urban legend now too, right? **Yukari:** I do, yes. The elegant and lovely Teke Teke. **Reisen:** I really don't know if I'd call that thing 'lovely.' **Sanae:** But you sat out the incident! How come you get one and I don't? **Yukari:** Hmm, my secret to getting an urban legend? **Sanae:** Yeah! I want one too! **Yukari:** If I had to say... a hundred push-ups, a hundred sit ups, a hundred squats, and a ten-kilometer run every morning. **Sanae:** W-whoa! **Marisa:** Intense. **Sanae:** _(pumping fists)_ I'm gonna do it! **Reisen:** You... do realize none of us did anything like that, right? **Sanae:** Yukari's the one who got an urban legend all by herself, though. If that's what it takes, I won't give up! **Reimu:** Uh-huh. Good luck out there. **Sanae:** What kind of urban legend do you think I'll get? Something cool? Or cute! **Marisa:** Uh... a dolphin? Those seem kinda cute. **Sanae:** Huh? There's an urban legend about dolphins? **Marisa:** I mean, I've never heard a real _legend_ about them, but they're made up, so it oughta work, right? **Sanae:** Um... dolphins are real. **Marisa:** Uh-huh. So you're tellin' me the outside world actually has a fish that breathes air and does tricks for people. **Sanae:** Yes! They aren't fish, though. They're mammals. **Marisa:** … what, like... some kinda aquatic dog? Like that manzairaku thing? **Reisen:** I think we're getting off track. **Akyuu:** Agreed. I think that's enough information about that incident, though, unless somebody has something else to add? **Marisa:** I just wanna know if there are ocean dogs, because that sounds cool as heck. **Reimu:** I don't really have anything else to say about this one. **Marisa:** Like, d'you think they'd hop up into your boat and let you pet 'em? **Yukari:** Miss Kirisame, please pay attention or I'll give you a demerit. **Marisa:** Fiiiine. I'll figure it out later.

## Incident involving the attempted Lunarian invasion

**Yukari:** Our final incident for the evening: the lunar invasion attempt from a few years ago. **Sanae:** … oh, right... **Marisa:** _That_ one. Uh. **Yukari:** Well, don't all start explaining at once. **Sanae:** It's just, um, a little hard to remember everything. **Marisa:** Yeah, I saw like a zillion different futures. Kinda hard to keep straight which bits actually happened. **Reisen:** I could try to summarize it, I guess. **Reimu:** I don't think anybody else is going to. **Reisen:** Right, er, let's see... A woman who wants revenge on Chang'e borrowed some fairies from the goddess of hell, then purified them and turned them loose on the moon to spread impurity. The moon's leadership moved all the residents to the dream world so they wouldn't realize anything was wrong, and started making plans to relocate to Gensokyo. They arranged for the Lunar Capital's occult ball to enter Gensokyo during the Urban Legend Incident, and sent down a small task force of rabbits to start purifying the place. After we realized that something was happening, Master sent me to give everybody Ultramarine Orb Elixir before we went to fight them. … did I miss anything? **Yukari:** What was the woman's name? **Reisen:** Oh, er. It was Junko. **Yukari:** And why did she want to get revenge on Chang'e? **Reisen:** Um... to get revenge for Chang'e's husband murdering her son...? **Yukari:** And her husband's name was...? **Reisen:** Er. Um. **Sanae:** We're in the lightning round! **Reisen:** … Hou Yi! It was Hou Yi. **Yukari:** Well done. Full marks to Reisen. **Reisen:** _(sigh of relief)_ That was even worse than the quiz Master gave me. **Marisa:** Kinda feels unnecessary for the rest of us to be here, after all that. **Yukari:** Not at all. Let's back up. How did you actually get involved? **Sanae:** There was a giant robot spider attacking Youkai Mountain! **Reimu:** I don't know if 'attacking' is the right word, since it was sort of wandering around... but it was definitely pretty weird. **Marisa:** Can't ignore something like that either way, right? **Sanae:** It turns out they had a whole base right behind the shrine, with rabbit soldiers and everything. **Reimu:** How _did_ you miss something like that, anyway? **Sanae:** It was, like, August! It was really hot. … way nicer to stay inside where it's cool... **Marisa:** You sound just like Sumireko. **Reimu:** Anyway, it wasn't like they were a big deal. They were just rabbits, in the end. **Reisen:** … don't you think that's a little rude? **Reimu:** _(ignoring her)_ And then there was that dream tunnel thing, right? I don't really get it. **Sanae:** It was like hyperspace. **Reisen:** It was the Kaian Passageway between here and the moon. **Reimu:** What does that mean? **Reisen:** It's a passageway that connects places through the dream world. I, er, don't really know the details myself. The higher-ups were always the ones who handled making them and negotiating with the baku. **Marisa:** What's the deal with that baku, anyway? That lady's always poppin' up to say weird stuff and then vanish again. **Yukari:** They maintain the dream world. We have a non-interference treaty with them, so you don't need to worry about them unless you start breaking the rules. **Reimu:** … it's kind of suspicious that whenever a new place full of weird youkai shows up, you already know them. **Yukari:** _(complete silence)_ **Sanae:** Oh, after that was the capital! It was really pretty. **Marisa:** Was it? I didn't really get a chance to get a good look. There were all those... ball things poppin' up out of nowhere and shooting at me. **Reisen:** Oh, those are impure body detection mines. **Marisa:** They hate impurity so much that they've got mines just to blow it up? **Reisen:** They hate impurity so much that they moved to moon just to avoid it, so... **Marisa:** Good point. Anyway, that one-winged goddess was the one in charge of 'em. And all those rabbits, for that matter. From the viewpoint of Gensokyo, she was the real mastermind this time around, basically. **Reimu:** I wonder if we could have just stopped after we beat her up... **Reisen:** The moon would have kept trying to invade as long as they were in danger, so not really. **Marisa:** Anyway, ignore all that. I've been thinking: That power Sagume's got would be really convenient, wouldn't it? Reversing whatever you say? **Reimu:** Huh? Wouldn't it just cause a bunch of problems? **Marisa:** No, think about it! You're hungry, and you say, “I'm hungry,” and then BAM! You've got food. Or maybe you just stop bein' hungry? I'm not sure. **Reimu:** Is that really how it works? **Reisen:** No, not at all. **Marisa:** What, really? How's it work, then? **Reisen:** Er, I don't really know all the details. Master knows her a lot better than I do. I think it only changes ongoing events, and only if she talks to people who are involved? Something like that. **Marisa:** … so if her and a friend are fallin' off a cliff, and she tells them, “We're _definitely_ gonna hit the ground and die,” what happens? **Sanae:** A giant eagle swoops down and catches them? **Reisen:** Something like that, maybe...? I'm not sure whether it would do anything or not. **Reimu:** She can fly anyway, can't she? **Marisa:** Look, it was just an example. Anyway, after her was like an hour of fightin' past lots and lots of fairies, right? We kinda got split up there. **Yukari:** The fairies had a leader though, didn't they? Did you all end up fighting her? **Marisa:** Whoa, Yukari remembered she's the moderator. Uhh, yeah, I think we all did? Unless that was just another future I saw somewhere in there. Like we said, hard to remember. **Reisen:** I fought her... unfortunately. **Sanae:** _(sigh)_ I, um. I saw myself get squashed by a moon so many times in the future that I just gave up. **Yukari:** Reimu? **Reimu:** … if I ever revise the spell card rules, I'm going to ban hitting people with planets. **Reisen:** I think that's a yes. **Reimu:** It wasn't a big deal, though. The planet thing was annoying, but in the end, a fairy is just a fairy. **Sanae:** That's really easy to say for somebody who didn't see herself get squished a dozen times. **Marisa:** Anyway, yeah, the leader was this fairy named Clownpiece. She's a good kid though. Like, more or less. For a fairy. **Reimu:** She made Youmu try to stab people and started a fire under my shrine! **Marisa:** I mean... compared to Cirno or those other three... She _is_ pretty tough, though, even without that weird purification stuff. Kinda amazing, actually. I guess Hell toughens people up pretty quick. **Sanae:** Huh... if I went down there and trained for a few weeks, do you think I'd get tougher than Reimu? Like, a weight-training program! Except it's fighting oni instead. **Marisa:** Couldn't hurt, right? **Reisen:** It would definitely hurt if you picked a fight with an oni and _lost_. **Marisa:** So, yeah. I think I saw us all get smacked with that moon a few times in the future. Good thing we had that elixir, huh? Now that I think about it... bein' able to see the future was pretty handy like that. If we had that stuff whenever we solved an incident, we'd be unstoppable. **Reisen:** It isn't for sale. **Sanae:** That's probably for the best... and it wasn't 'handy' anyway! Seeing yourself get squashed is scary! Super-scary! **Reimu:** Wouldn't it be a lot scarier if you couldn't see the future and _actually_ got squashed? **Sanae:** _(shiver, whimpering noises)_ **Reimu:** _(pats her on the back)_ … I guess it would be pretty convenient to see how many people would attend events at the shrine before I actually tried running them, though... **Reisen:** Look, nobody is getting any more elixir unless it's an emergency, okay? **Marisa:** Or I sneak into Eirin's lab and find where she keeps it... **Reisen:** Er, excuse me? **Marisa:** Nothin'! I didn't say anything. Actually, Sanae said it. **Yukari:** _(prods Marisa's forehead with a paper fan)_ Please focus. Now then. The fairy defeated Sanae, but what about the rest of you? **Marisa:** Oh, uh. Well. **Reisen:** Marisa dropped the mini-hakkero into the ocean and had to stay behind to look for it, I think. **Marisa:** What? No, that didn't happen. That must've been some other future you saw. **Reimu:** I thought she got bored and went back to the capital? **Marisa:** That sounds even less likely! What kind of weird futures were you guys looking at?! **Reisen:** It _was_ really hard to keep them straight... was it the one where you saw Reimu get shot a few times and broke down crying until— **Marisa:** _Definitely_ not that one. All that happened is, I got bogged down fighting like a zillion of those powered-up fairies they were using, and by time I got past 'em, everyone else had moved on. **Reisen:** To be fair, you're always throwing that giant laser around. If anybody was going to enjoy fighting that many fairies, it was you. **Marisa:** You suddenly remember what happened, huh? **Reimu:** I guess Reisen and I are the two who made it to the leader of the whole thing. I don't know if there's a lot to say about her. Her spell cards were really straightforward... **Reisen:** I think she's a very straightforward kind of person, so that's fitting, right? **Reimu:** In the end, it kind of feels like we just ended up fixing the moon's problem for them. **Marisa:** Kinda get the feeling that Eirin knew it'd end up that way when she sent us up there. **Reisen:** No comment. **Sanae:** The important thing is that we settled the incident and everything ended up okay, right? **Reimu:** That's really easy for you to say. _You_ never got kidnapped by the moon for half a month. **Sanae:** … w-wait, what? **Reisen:** I don't really have any loyalty to the moon anymore, but I think our involvement was a good thing. The Lunarians are proud, but it's hard for their leaders to ignore that they were saved by Earthlings. Lady Sagume, at least, seems a lot more concerned with maintaining good relations with Gensokyo than she used to be. **Marisa:** Great, we got them to stop tryin' to kill us, and all we had to do was save their planet. That seems fair.

## Closing Remarks

**Akyuu:** So, please consider everything that we've discussed today. Every few years, people from another realm have come into Gensokyo and started an incident... and that isn't even getting into things like when the Moriya Shrine appeared. Most of these incidents have put us in contact with a new realm, and when that happens, it stays that way. The barrier with the Netherworld is still open. The underworlders have kept coming to the surface. Miss Usami is still visiting Gensokyo every day. And I'm led to believe that a few more moon rabbits have made Gensokyo their home, and Miss Kishin has started visiting Eientei. **Marisa:** When you put it like that, it sounds like we're really popular, huh? **Akyuu:** As a representative of humanity, I'm sure you can see how having new, unfamiliar youkai regularly invade Gensokyo might worry me. So, here's my question for all of you: In your opinions, does this pose a threat to Gensokyo's peace? Is there anything we could do to be better prepared for it? **Sanae:** Um... **Marisa:** Hmm, well... **Reimu:** Where would you even start? Nobody would have expected the Netherworld to pop up one day, right? **Marisa:** There's that, yeah. Plus, Youmu and Yuyu are better behaved than most of the youkai that're _from_ Gensokyo. **Sanae:** Sumireko's nice too, right? Um, apart from when she tried to blow up the barrier, I guess. **Marisa:** I mean, she's kinda weird sometimes, but I think most of that is her dream version. Can't hold that against somebody or we'd all be in trouble. **Reisen:** And I think that Seiran and Ringo are... more or less trustworthy. Just as long as nobody else tries opening a dango stand in the village. **Reimu:** … but the underworld is full of creepy destructive youkai that can't get along with anybody else. **Marisa:** Eh, yeah. Three out of four ain't bad. **Sanae:** Um, well... I know that I'm a newcomer compared to the other three, but... before the spell card rules, youkai were attacking people all the time, right? **Reimu:** More or less. **Sanae:** And now they're pretty well-behaved! A lot of the incidents have been caused by newcomers, so if new youkai never showed up, there wouldn't be much of a job for incident-resolvers. **Marisa:** Huh, yeah. Wouldn't even need a Hakurei shrine maiden. **Reimu:** … you know my job isn't just beating people up, right? I have to do things around the shrine. **Marisa:** Coulda fooled me. **Sanae:** If you think about it like that, maybe it's a kind of, um, balance! If we had the same old youkai, eventually they'd all be well-behaved and Gensokyo would get too peaceful! So new ones have to show up occasionally to stir things up. It's like... homeostasis! **Marisa:** … is it? I thought that was, like, when two girls... **Reisen:** You're thinking of another word. **Marisa:** Am I? **Reisen:** _Definitely_ another word. **Reimu:** _(sigh)_ I hate to say it, but Sanae is right. Once they settle in, the new youkai aren't any worse than the old ones. If we tried to prevent any newcomers from starting trouble, it would just be more of a hassle than it's worth. **Akyuu:** I see. That's reassuring to hear. Although, Miss Yakumo, if you _do_ know of any other realms that might be planning to invade Gensokyo in the future, some forewarning would be appreciated. **Yukari:** Hmm, I'll keep that in mind. I'm afraid I'm quite scatter-brained lately, though. Remind me, have we fought Atlantis yet? **Sanae:** A... atlantis?! **Reimu:** She's joking. **Yukari:** I'm doing nothing of the sort. Ahh, I do think that might be a few years out, though. 2026 or so. **Sanae:** Whoa! This is just getting cooler. **Marisa:** … I bet a place like that would have a lot of cool magic gear... **Yukari:** I'm afraid that I've said too much. If you'd like some advice, though, invest in swimsuits. **Akyuu:** _(clears throat)_ Thank you for your input, Miss Yakumo. With that, I think we've covered all of the material that I hoped to learn about today. Thank you all for your time. **Marisa:** No problem. So, hey, are these bottles of sake free to take home, or...? _(End transcript. Transcriber's note: four minutes of haggling to convince Miss Kirisame to return the sake bottle she had picked up.)_


End file.
